Most of the time I don't even feel like a father--mentally, spiritually or physically. When you watch Piper and I with Zoey walking to Fred Meyer, it's pretty obvious Piper is a mother, in all the good ways. I just tag along or hold/push her along with my backwards Ms cap, flip flops, and sweatpants. (sidebar: Piper has promised the end of my life if I wear my jammies out of the apt one more time. )When I play with zbear its almost like she's my niece or my little sister; like this little one is Connie's and Connie and Kyun are out of town and we're just babysitting or something. Maybe it's a coping mechanism, almost subconsciously not really considering her little life as under my sole care to shirk responsibility. (Shirk, good word Lin.)
Knowing that I'm responsible for so much, that I have so much sway in the direction of her life...that's a scary thing. When I see other father's around me, my dad being an obvious one, I think of all my shortcomings. I'm not as smart as Kyun, or as kind and patient as Ben. Or as wise as my dad, etc etc.
It seems EVERYone is more fit for fatherhood than me. Who's going to help zbear with homework? Who's going to say the right words when she's angry/scared/hurt and hiding in her room? I'm quickly realizing that I have nothing. But now I'm also realizing that all I can do is love her. My shortcomings can only be made up with unmatched quantities of love. The same way God loves me right? unconditional. Loving her is so easy but there will be times where it'll be ridiculously hard. It's clear that all I need to provide for her is my wholehearted love.
uh...kyun's not a father yet. and if it's any comfort at all - everyone who's a dad is just learning the ropes like you! and at every age, you're learning new things about being a dad! gotta constantly adjust. no one really knows how to be a parent. it's all trial/error, cuz every kid's different too! you do have to worry once she learns she can climb out that window at night and sneak into her boyfriend's truck though!
ReplyDeletebtw, i'll talk to her while she's pissed at her parents. :) gu gu to the rescue!
ReplyDeleteDude I know exactly how you feel. It's tough for new dads like you because the baby spends so much more time w/ the mom. It'll take just a little more time, but it'll get easier to bond with her as she gets a bit older.
ReplyDeleteLike you said, love her wholeheartedly, and when it gets hard, rely on showing her God's love. It's also great that you guys have a great support system!
Glin it is all good...You have all sorts of great qualities to make you a good father. I am starting to feel exactly the same way. In 5 weeks my life totally changes.
ReplyDeletethough i myself am not gonna be the dad, in a short 8-9 weeks, i'll be learning the same. i still hear my own words echo in the back of my head from college group sharing: learnin' to be the person that i want my kids to be.
ReplyDeleteand you're absolutely right, His love through yours is the only way to go!